The movie: Black Cobra 2 (1988, dir. Stelvio Massi)
Rogue supercop Robert Malone is back! This time, he’s off to the Phillippines, where he’s gotta work side by side with that guy who played Spider-Man in that crappy live-action TV series. Remember that show? The one with the awful effects and the wacka-jawacka music and the Spidey suit that looked like pajamas? Yeah, that’s the one. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Robert Malone and Spider-Man, together at last.
The Fu:
Hey, have you heard all about the scandal involving Jay Leno and the Tonight Show? You have? About eight billion times in the past four days? Well, buckle up for eight milion and one. Our big, clever take on the whole thing is that Jay Leno looks like a potato. Meanwhile, Stu brought his nephew to the show, Bernie hasn’t gotten over Avatar, and Dave’s Santa suit has become some sort of health hazard. Welcome to twenty ten! Or two thousand ten, if you want to say it like a jerk.
The Movie: Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (1990, dir. Damian Lee)
Before he was Gov. Jesse “The Mind” Ventura, he was Jesse “The Guy Who Starred in Some Terminator Rip-off” Ventura. (He may have also had another nickname, too, but I can’t remember it right now.) He plays Abarax, a space cop on the trail of Sven-Ole Thorsen, who’s come to Earth to impregnate our women, or something. There’s a lot of glowing hands and references to VD, and then Jesse gets bare-ass naked with a little boy. Merry Christmas, indeed!
The Fu:
Swear Jar helped rock the house for our big Christmas special, because nothing says “Happy Holidays” like three songs about death, murder, and death. The Mobile Home Movies gang got their own show off the ground by talking about some movie about giant Smurfs, Santa got a naughty surprise in his workshop, Ryan and Jack got a jolt of Rednog, and, hey, was that McDuffy? And with that, we say goodbye to 2009. Happy Fu Year!
The Movie: Showdown at the Cotton Mill (1978, dir. Wu Ma)
Two fighters, one prophecy, the drug trade, and the Man with Soft Fingers. We may have messed up the translation somewhere.
The Fu:
So Jonny Mac comes to us before the show and tells us he has a terrific idea for the show: get everyone to chug egg nog. Anything else? Nope, just that. For half an hour. And then everyone will get sick and have to go home early. It’s the ideas like that which win us the Emmys, people. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say we’re in serious danger of losing our time slot to reruns of Bojams, P.I.
The Movie: The Guy from Harlem (1977, dir. Rene Martinez, Jr.)
John Shaft. Truck Turner. Cleopatra Jones. And… Al Connors? Yup, he’s the black private dick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks, fresh out of Harlem and busting chops in Miami. (Think of this as “Beverly Hills Cop” with less comedy or action and more topless massages and awkward kicking.) The CIA wants Connors to serve as bodyguard to an African princess, and the mob wants him to rescue the boss’ kidnapped daughter. It’s two lousy adventures in one. What a savings!
The Fu:
Is it possible to do a live TV show with the host strung out on cold medicine and most of the cast enjoying their sixth straight hour of happy hour? Apparently so, although I wouldn’t recommend it without a doctor’s note. You’ll also need a doctor’s note for that Pubestra. Just so you know.
The gang war heats up when the Italian mob puts the heat on the leader of the neighborhood numbers racket. Somewhere in the middle, there’s a drag queen hitwoman and a drug lovin’ granny and a barbershop. But no turkeys. Not even one trip to the farm. Lame!
The Fu:
Just in time for Thanksgiving, we all learned how to play Edward Fortyhands. Then we met Stu’s special lady friend, who really loves Twilight, even though it sucks. Oh, and Jake swallowed an autotuner, probably because Oprah is leaving her show. Noooooo!!!
